A letter for my future self

Today is March, 18th of 2021.

288 days remain until the end of the year. It’s crazy how the days pass by so quick, but at the same time, it feels like an eternity.

Now that you’re reading this, you might wonder how you were feeling on this exact date, but I wonder now while I write this in the present, how you’re doing in the future. Are you doing okay? Are you eating well? Is the pandemic finally over? Do you have somebody to worry about throughout the day and to call it yours? What fragrance do you use now? Is your favourite colour still lilac? I will find out the answers one day. By myself.

Well, if you’re still wondering how you’re doing now while I write this to your future self (in this case, your present self), I will tell you: you’ve been better. They don’t teach a thing or 2 at school about life and maybe that’s why our generation is so messed up at such a young age. Figuring out how to grow hurts so much, and you can’t do anything about it besides taking in and accepting it by yourself. Perhaps, the word ‘’accepting’’ is not the right choice, because to be honest, we just simply learn how to deal with the pain of not being fine until someday we just get used to the hurting and become numb to whatever it is that is upsetting us, just like the process of grieving.

You’re now in your finals at University and you will be soon going to your second year there. I’ve never felt so dumb and useless before and I can explain to you why: I was always in a comfort zone while I was in High School, right? I’ve never really needed to study hard to still be at the top of the class. I was smart without needing to put in a single effort, but this beautiful idea collapsed as soon as I put my feet in University, everything is new and I’ve just forgotten how to be productive. To concentrate on anything just became the hardest thing ever: my mind wanders to everything besides the actual task and it’s suffocating, however, it’s not like we’re in a place prepared for us to set our mind on, like a classroom or the campus itself. But it’s okay, my grades aren’t really bad and I’m doing the best I can to not give up, but it’s just hard to keep up with everything that is going on, furthermore, everybody in my class is just so passionate! What about you? Do you feel passion now? Can you say that you can’t see yourself doing anything else than what you’re doing now? I hope you do. I hope you are proud of the professional you became.

Some days are really hard to take in, the fear of failure but the thrill of trying is an adrenaline combo for you, addicting but deadly. I’m moving soon to a new place where I will need to learn how to be an adult, and I need this. I need changes and fresh new air. I’ve always thought I was comfortable with things staying the way they are but I’m not. With Quarantine, I’ve learned the hard way that when I stay in my comfort zone, stagnated, the feeling of being trapped in my own mind is just painful and dangerous. Being alone, I can’t really get out of my own head: all the issues I knew existed on me but never felt the urge to address, in addition to a lot of things I discovered that I hate about myself smothers me since there’s no distraction besides pondering my problems and insecurities. They eventually become something you just can’t dismiss: they are there, therefore you need to face it until you eventually become sick. It feels like one of those nights when you’re ill and drowsy: you want to sleep so bad since it’s uncomfortable to even breathe, but at the same time, the discomfort is just so huge that it’s hard to close your eyes and fall asleep. Life became bleak and it’s hard to find a place — not an actual physical place -, but somewhere I can feel serenity in my own head. Thinking too much hurts, and I think too much when I’m alone.

Speaking on Quarantine, I truly hope that things are better now. 2020 was quite a year, and 2021, although promising, it’s still depressing. By the way, who is the current president? Now, the most promising people to win next year elections is Lula and Ciro. Fora Bolsonaro. Our country needs a glimpse of peace for fucks sake. Brazil is a dark, cursed, absurd sitcom nobody asked to be cast in.

Well, it’s getting late already and I need to finish this letter somehow. I really hope the future me is going through a better phase (please, don’t worry! I don’t think it’s that bad since we grow up through character development). Please, be happy and write to the future self you again! :)

Yours,

Estela.